MORE GROWING PAINS

I’m going to be thirty soon. People say accomplishments are overrated, but you see, the way my life is set up, I’ve been led to believe that I should be accomplished.

I live in a third world country and my family barely made it above the poverty line. I did well in school, got a scholarship to high school and even made it to uni. I was the first in my entire extended family to do so.

Oh, I had some big dreams back then. I was going to get a big ass scholarship and move to the UK, study at Sheffield or Cambridge or some other such like school.

Clearly didn’t work out how it was supposed to, because sitting here, in public transport, no car (as if that should matter) and riddled in student loan debt, I feel like my life has been extremely underwhelming.

Still single, living alone. I love my apartment by the way. It’s my one guilty pleasure and probably a poor financial decision. I don’t care though, it makes me happy.

Ten years ago, I had a serious zest for life. I was much happier, carefree as only a nineteen year old can be. Granted that life was still hard, I can’t say that I was as weighed down by life as I am now.

What happens to us when we get older? When does life beat us down so much so, that we become shells of our former selves? I need some of that oomph back.

I need some of that energy to propel me to a better version of myself. I feel powerless to change my life for some reason I cannot identify.

I think the changes I want to see in my life are monumental when I compare them to the little steps I’ve taken to do so. I feel very limited in what I can do.

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CROSSROADS

I did something drastic the other day. I had gotten so frustrated at how complacent I have become in accepting a lot of bad things that were happening in my life. Although what I did was the bold leap of faith, it has got my mind going like a hamster in a wheel.

I feel it in my gut that things will change drastically for me in the course of the year in regards to my career… if I can even call it that. I only hope that it will be for the better, although it may very well be likely for the worse. I am swinging from moments filled with dread, wondering whether it will all work out, to moments where I feel excited and hopeful that things will turn out amazing. I really hope it’s the latter. it has been a long time since I’ve been excited about anything really.

But lately, I have been feeling like there’s a big clock ticking away in the back of my mind (probably because I’ll be turning thirty soon) and I feel so painfully unaccomplished. I know, life happens differently for everyone and it’s about the journey and all that cliche stuff. I am however awakening to the notion that I am in charge of my own life (obviously)  and I have to make things happen for me.

The thing that’s been keeping me awake at night, (not really, I have been sleeping just fine) is the fact that I have absolutely no flying clue what I would do, if I lost my job. The funny thing, is this deer caught in headlights situation that I have going on. I know danger is looming but I’m not doing anything about it. I am painfully aware of that fact. I know I need to act. I have been racking my brain for ideas.

The problem with being me is that I have more interests than I know what to do with. It’s the multipotentialite thing all over again. Hopefully I’ll be able to amalgamate all my interests and form some semblance of a way of life that will leave me happier and more fulfilled in the long run.

 

Adulting

According to  Urban Dictionary this means do grown up things and hold adult responsibilities. Right now, I don’t want to adult. I really just want to lie in bed and watch Netflix. I want to fill up on junk and not worry about my steadily increasing waist size. I want to go for a bike ride in Karura I want to do fun stuff  and forget about grown up stuff for a while. I want to be a kid again, just for a little bit.

I grew up without a father, and also lost my mum when I was thirteen. Fortunately, I have a family that cares about me. But sometimes, don’t you just wanna put a ‘For Sale’ sign on your family? They can be such a drain on life force. But we love them in spite of their shortcomings. I’ve recently found myself having to deal with a number of familial issues leading to legal wrangles that might take ages to resolve.

I don’t know how to deal with all of this. I’m basically going through growing pains of some sort. I know it’s a learning curve. I don’t think anything gets flung your way by accident.

So for now, I will trust that I am making all the right decisions and even if I do make the wrong ones, I know I’ll learn from them.

 

Daily Prompt: Urgent

via Daily Prompt: Urgent

There’s a certain urgency that comes with ageing. My birthday was a couple of weeks ago and for the life of me, I cannot understand why I haven’t done more with my life at my age. Well maybe I can… But still…

I’m almost thirty, single, (well sort of…it’s complicated) and my finances are shit, to put it mildly. And now I am a tad more sceptical and cynical about a lot of things. Does that come with age?

Anyway, this post is an attempt at cheering myself up and convince myself that it isn’t too late for me.

I will make better choices when it comes to money.

I will find a way to draw myself back into things I am passionate about.

I will get fit, no matter how badly I want to hit that snooze button in the morning.

I will start a hustle.( I have a few ideas)

I will spend more time with my family.

I will give more.

I will work harder at my job, even if it is the least exciting thing for me right now.

I will not let opportunities pass me by, something that I have done in the past.

I will not compare myself to my peers.

I will not worry about things that are beyond my control.

I will not be unkind to people (even when they deserve it! ;D ).

I should probably print this and put it on my mirror so that I see it every morning because this feels urgent. And though it feels that way, I know that everyone’s life moves at their own pace. I honestly still wish for more out of life though…

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Someone mentioned to me yesterday that life is a like a game of Snakes and Ladders (anyone remember that game?) He said that all the things I wish I had accomplished will come to pass in due time. (like when you get to the ladder and move a few levels up) And sometimes unfortunately, you end up at the snake and the snake swallows you. Setbacks.

Here’s the thing though, you’ve got to keep rolling the dice because the ladders and the snakes are just how life works. And that’s exactly what I will do. Keep rolling the dice.

Urgent

 

Fragile: A post about glass.

via Daily Prompt: Fragile

My best friend F came to town recently for a week’s holiday. It’s always wonderful having her around, because living in different countries makes for interesting conversation and catching up when she’s home. We don’t talk often when she’s away. Having recently moved into my own little one bedroom flat, I was thrilled to have her at my place.

Last weekend, we went out shopping with the girls after meeting up for lunch at a fancy restaurant. While at the mall, the girls purchased various items and I found it odd that L was carrying a new set of glass tumblers, which she has just purchased at the supermarket inside the mall. When we got home, she handed me the set of drinking glasses and said,  “A little housewarming gift.”

I suppose my face must have betrayed my lack of enthusiasm at the sudden gift. That’s because I’d already bought a set of tumblers for myself, which remained unboxed, on a top shelf in my tiny kitchen. I rarely had anyone over and the one tumbler that I had from as far back as I can remember met my needs. I can’t blame her though, because she hadn’t noticed. A couple of days later, she went back home.

Only then did I realise that my trusty lone tumbler was missing in action. It then hit me, that’s why F bought a new set for me. She must have broken it at some point during her stay at my place and felt guilty about it, hence the new set. I was a little miffed, not because of the broken tumbler, but that my friend didn’t trust me enough to mention it to me.

It got me thinking about how we sometimes tend to tip toe around people’s feelings, afraid to say things because we think them fragile or overly sensitive. Maybe it’s because we ourselves are fragile and just want to avoid confrontations or awkward situations. The truth is though, hiding our true selves from each other only results in disillusionment, when the other person eventually finds out who we really are. And therein lies the fear of exposure. We’re all fragile in one way or another.